Hello? God? Oh my! I didn’t think You were really there! Well, I have a problem. Not a big one, but still, I thought I might catch You-do You ever have down time? Um, it’s my zipper. Zipper, You know the thing that holds your jeans up or pulls your dress together. The point is, mine is stuck and I have somewhere to go, very important and the thing won’t budge. I have nothing else to wear.
The thing is, I have faith that You could fix it, probably in an instant but even five minutes would get me there. What do You mean I should bypass the faith and look for a pair of pliers? I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Faith is an empty promise? Will the real God please stand up? Sorry. There’s a whole lot of believers down here and they all have a boatload of faith. Throw it overboard? Aren’t You the one that brought it up? You want to know how many times I’ve been successful with my faith? Well, let’s see. I have faith I will get a raise this month. I’ve been strong in my faith that it will happen. Oh, I guess I’ve been waiting on You for about a year and a half. How’s it working for me? If You don’t mind my saying I am getting a little tired of waiting. No, I’ve never thought of asking for a raise. I just thought You would get it for me. You do love me, don’t You? I mean, don’t look too closely but overall–? You’re punching a little hole in my faith, here. What else am I waiting for in faith? Frankly, I have been asking You for the perfect boyfriend for over two years now. I thought perhaps You were swamped but I had faith at some point-the grocery store? No, I’ve never considered looking for a man in the grocery store. They’re always in faded jeans and baseball hats. I’ve never seen the perfect one that You have picked out for me. What do You mean there’s no such thing as perfect? I thought we had to work hard to be perfect and now You’re saying there’s no such thing? God! Oh, excuse me. It’s just a figure of speech. So You want ME to pick out a boyfriend? Well, I picture him tall, number one, lots of curly hair, I love that, nice clothes, You know, someone who’s aware of fashion. Um, I wouldn’t mind if he has a sizable 401k investment and wasn’t afraid to use it, and Wow! You can really raise your voice when You want to! Kind? I’ve never thought of that. Generous? I did have that listed, I thought. Oh, You mean like when someone gives you the biggest piece, or cares if you’re blue and makes you dinner. Sure, I guess I could live with that. Humor? I’ve seen late night Comedy Caravan and please, God, don’t’ watch it. You have? What did You think? You think comedians should have compassion and true wit that includes everyone on a loving platform? Laughter is the best medicine? You know about that? Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting You’re You. But it’s true? Well, You are a wealth of information. I’ve got to get going now, if I’m to be on time, so I’ll grab the pliers and head out.
It was really nice talking to YOU.